The Pursuit of Happiness

What is true happiness?

When I laugh, when I smile, am I happy?

What about those moments when I'm not doing those things?

All those moments when all these thoughts cross my mind. All the loneliness that I feel deep inside masked by my outer appearance of being content.

No, I am not happy. In fact, I'm not even sure how I feel about anything anymore.

Like none of the feelings feel genuine anymore.

Something good happened to someone. I feel happy for them, I have to show that I'm happy for them.

Something bad happens, I feel sad for them.

Is what I'm feeling really how I feel? Or is it how I want to feel? How I should feel? How I need to feel?

Often I feel very emotional. Just overwhelmed with feelings that I can't control.

Every emotion exerted by the things I see just hits me on a deep personal level.

I could be watching a movie. A scene might not even be sad, but I feel it. I can feel how they're feeling and it makes me cry. I don't know why or how to explain it but I just feel it.

I don't express my feelings and emotions very well or at all.

I like to think that I can express them through other people, like those were not mine.

Then I'd feel less guilty or pathetic if those feelings weren't mine, but I'm simply expressing them for someone else.

Not that I look down on people who readily express their emotions, but rather I look down on myself.

Maybe I am too critical.

But that's the only way I can let everything out.

Stress...what is stress? How does 'stress' feel like? I don't think I feel stress, or at least I don't feel it on the level that most people do.

I don't feel a whole lot of emotions by myself that normal people do.

I feel emotions through others evoking those emotions on me, that's the only time I feel those strong emotions.

Maybe my pursuit of happiness has rendered me emotionless, void of feelings.

I'm trying so hard to be happy that I completely lost track of my other emotions, or rather I've buried them deep inside.

When people ask me, "Do you ever get mad or sad?" I answer no.

Of course I have, but I don't show it to others. I have to keep that happiness others perceive in me.

I want to appear to be happy.

"If you keep telling yourself the same lie, you'll eventually believe it."

If I just kept being happy, I'll eventually really be happy, right?

But it's not real. Am I being fake? I don't know. I hardly understand myself.

I'm not trying to be pretentious, yet I'm try to convince myself to be happy all the time.

Is that just lying to myself to pretend?

I don't know. It's been hard to keep going this way recently.

So many things have changed and happened...

I don't have breakdowns usually. I can't have breakdowns.

I feel like if I do, all these bottled feelings might suffocate and consume me.

I don't know what I would do then. What if I do something stupid.

I can't trust myself enough to let that happen.

But recently because of some things I've cried. For the first time in a while I cried on my own.

It wasn't because of a drama or a mv or anything triggering my emotions.

I just suddenly felt overwhelmed, scared, upset, and mad.

It wasn't very long though, I got my self together after a few minutes.

I always tell myself I have to be strong. I have to forget all those feels and just be happy.

But I realized that I'm not happy, I've never been happy.

Why am I even living this way? What is the point? Is this for my own good?

I keep feeling more and more consumed by this black hole I call happiness.

It's ironic because I feel more and more upset and afraid as I am being taken over by it.

Having to put up a front that says I'm okay and I know what I'm doing. but in reality I'm not okay. I don't know what I'm doing.

I'm sick of feeling this way, but I don't know how to change it.

Where will this pursuit of true happiness lead me?