here goes nothing

birthday, friday, the 27th 'everything is the same thing but with a different name' thank you for making me cry, but not out of sadness; then laugh, then smile, then moved, and then loved.  i may be alone at this moment, but today at least for today, i don't feel alone. thank you for all the birthday wishes, my dear friends and family  ♡ i love you all very much  ♡ to the person whom is afraid to grow up: i know you've been taking a step back to recharge. i know you feel drained everyday and don't want to do anything. i hope you don't forget everyone that loves and cares about you. i hope you don't have such a depressed view of the world. i know there's a lot of things you still want to do. don't give up! it's hard right now, but maybe soon something good will happen. if you give up before then, you might regret it. i won't lie and say that the future will be better than right now, but what i can say is that there...

my path, curved like a question mark just births countless problems

"I can't even remember when it started. The first thing that happens is, I wake up feeling down...like I'm drowning. So down that I don't want to wake up. Don't want to get up. Don't want to do anything. The next thing is that, I feel that I am ugly. No charms. No friends. Not popular like others. My body's also acting weird. At lunch when everyone's eating, I don't feel hungry. At night when everyone's sleeping. I can't sleep. Then I feel down in the morning. It's a viscous cycle. Every evening I will feel sad for no reason. I suddenly feel like being pushed off a cliff. It feels...empty. The only thing that kind of helps is feeling pain. It's the only thing that somewhat helps relieve the distress. I want to sleep and never wake up again." SOS 

i suddenly remembered that i had a dream of him. as i remembered, tears welled up. i miss him. i hope he's doing well. in the dream, he was living with me and we were happy. he was jumping around with his tongue sticking out. he was so excited, it makes me feel even worse.

"Passion was the only thing that got me where I am." Passion. Goals. Happiness. I'm not sure I know what they are anymore. I don't want to merely be alive. I want to feel alive. I want to fill up this hollowness that I've felt for so long. But how? "Do what you want to do." I don't even really know what I want to do. I hate talking about the future, because I don't have a "future." I don't see a "future" for myself.  I can't see myself doing anything. ' I hate having to pretend that I do every time someone asks me. Pretending that I know what I'm doing and know what I want in life, Giving them lies of a fake image of "my future." I'm tired.  I'm tired of pretending everything is fine when it's not. I'm tired of having to convince myself of these lies. In the end, I'm just tired of myself.