here goes nothing

[BewhY]

When did this start? A long time ago. How do you feel? Empty.  What do you want to do about it? Nothing. Don't you want to fix it? What can I fix, when I don't even know what the problem is.

I don't know why you presume that just because we lived together, we're suddenly best friends now? ... I had class at 1:00 so I went to get food at 12:15 ish. Since it takes time to get food, eat and walk across campus. "You went to get food? Why didn't you tell me I was going to go to." I walked out the door with the box in my hand. I saw you look at me, but you pretend that you didn't know? If you wanted to go too you could've said something before I went out? Also, you were in your pajamas still and didn't wash up yet. I ain't got time to wait for you. Do we have to do everything together? To be honest, you wouldn't even have gone to get food at that time if you didn't see me go. "Sorry, I have class soon so I went by myself." "Sure, I know what you mean. You just don't want to wait for me." Are you fckin serious? Of course I don't have time to wait for you to get dressed and brush your teeth and ...

I was going to jot down stuff and feelings about the banquet, but I never got to. So now I am gonna try to write what I remember. I was kind of wavering about going or not, because I didn't really know anyone. I only knew some names and some faces. But I mean, free food and it'll be the last(?) hall event. It was formal, so I tried to dress formal, but I didn't really have anything. Every girl that went wore dresses and looked nice with their hair and makeup done. I was the only one with pants haha. We went there and people were sitting at the tables with their friends already. There was three empty tables and we sat at one of them. To be honest, it was quite awkward because we sat alone. It took a while for the food to be set up. It was chilly. The decorations were pretty. When the food was ready we went inside this room. When we came back out some guys too our table so we went to another empty table. It had exactly two chairs. How fitting haha. We started to eat a...

Genius is not the answer to all questions It's the question to all answers Do we learn math to add the dead sums? Subtract the weak ones, count cash for great ones? We multiply but divide the nation Break down like fractions, send our sons away to die Do we learn science in defiance of faith? To make alliance with fakes for an appliance's sake? We ask for the real to make artificial intelligence To make smarter kills of others' presidents Why do we learn history? To fix stories for the guilty? Make angels look filthy and the devils look milky? If the victor writes the books then what have we won? Are we battleships of authorship, a rich man's guns? Do we learn to read to receive the lies To deceive the eyes from seeing between the lines? We use words to bring forth sticks and stones To sing songs of hate that fill the streets with bones. ... We sweat for the dollar bills, the checks and the credit cards. But the dollar kills, breaks the necks of ...

Let the current carry me deep into the ocean.  Let me stay afloat among the endless clouds of dreams. Let me feel the coldness of the winter snow falling on my face.  Let me drown in the sounds of birds singing and leaves rustling.  Let the sun envelope me in a warm embrace.

I’m a small paper boat,  lost during voyage without coordinates. 

Sometimes I wonder why I do this to myself. The outcome of it is obvious, but why can't I stop? Why is it so hard to change?  Every time this happens I hate myself even more. I've been through this many times, yet I still do it.  I just don't have the will to change.  I feel like I really don't care anymore and that scares me.  Then I remember that I can't give up. I can't be a disappointment.  I want to get away. I want to go somewhere where no ones knows me and no one can contact me.  To be honest, I'm not stressed. In fact I  feel like I have no responsibilities at all. But of course that is not the reality. I'm just ignoring the facts.  If I feel like this, then what is the point of going on? What is the point of me waking up everyday to do all this?  I just want to end everything.