here goes nothing

I took a step forward, but it feels like I've taken several steps back.  Everything is back to where it started again. 

Well, haven't blogged in awhile-ish and what's a better time than 2AM, right? Lots of things happened in these few weeks (surprisingly), but I'm not sure if I want to recall everything at this hour. Most of it was just me driving, being a chauffeur for everyone. Which I'm doing tomorrow at 7AM so I really should sleep soon. Went to try archery. It was fun, but awkward. I try not to hang out with them too much, because I know what's always bound to happen. Arguments. I really don't want to deal with that anymore. But seems like they're getting calmer now. It's only been one school year. I felt like nothing has changed, with myself. But when I came back, it seemed like everyone else changed in some way. Like time stopped for me, but not for everyone else. Maybe it's because I felt like it was just a long "vacation" and when I come back, everything will just resume where I left off. But of course some things never change. I met wit...

So it was Lee, eh? *insert lots of smirk(?) emojis* I didn't know who it was when I saw the pic lol. Unless that wasn't him lol. Anyways, glad you guys keep in touch~!

Why am I in a depressing mood again...hah... You're not helping Minsik.

I started packing yesterday. I actually thought I had a lot, but there wasn't much besides notebooks, books, and clothes. I felt...nothing? Like I wasn't particularly sad or happy to leave. And again, I guess some things don't change. Today I finished, well whatever I could pack since I didn't have much boxes or anything to put stuff in. Then I realized that I had a lot of useless stuff hehe. I vacuumed. I threw stuff away. I cleared out my closet. I have a lot of clothes, that I don't even wear lol. My desk is still pretty messy right now. So is the floor... eheh. Oh, I found some stuff I didn't even know I had. Like extra, like a lot extra, tissue. When I thought I ran out so I've been going to the bathroom to blow my nose... Ah...I had a nosebleed today too. I've gotten more frequent nosebleeds...is it to make up for all those years I've never had any? lol jk. Anyways, nosebleeds are weird. It drops down so fast, I knew something...

[Jonghyun]

[Urban Zakapa]

I feel like a piece of shit tbh. Yes, it's just a grade. Yes, I can retake the class. Yes, it's not the end of the world. But I need to pass to declare my major. If I don't I would need to wait another year. It might not seem like much, but it is. I don't have that much financial aid terms left. I can't stay here forever. Most importantly, I'm so mad at myself because the class isn't even that hard. I was just lazy and didn't think much of it. What have I become. Can I even go on to harder classes like this?

Reading the post reminded me of a conversation from yesterday. "Why don't you wear makeup?" "It's too much work and money." "If you got a job, you would buy it?" "I don't know, I'll need to save money for food and stuff." "But you can afford to splurge on like one thing each week??" "But why buy makeup when I can buy food I usually can't eat because I don't want to spend?" "What? Luxury food? (laughs)" "I never really thought about makeup that much anyways, but I just want to learn for special occasions." "I want to too, but like I already have J*** so who would I wear it for? I still want to learn though. But you don't have anyone so." "But does it have to be for other people? If I ever wear makeup, it'd be for me." *rough dialogue