here goes nothing

i just wish i could fucking breathe ughhhh

although i know this isn't what i really want, i don't know if i don't want this enough to change it.

i'd rather be stressed over something i won't regret than to stress over something i don't desire.

i don't know why we have to go to this extent, why you feel that this is a good decision. have you ever thought about us? the inconvenience? the constant fear that we will have to live in? is money really that important? but of course the answer is yes. what can we do without money in this society? nothing. you're thinking of the future, i am aware. a future that has not even happened yet. maybe i won't go that far, maybe i can't even get that far.  i just don't know. i don't know, but i don't like this.  i don't like this, but i can't stop this. please just don't get in trouble. 

i've always thought i was the one being neglected, but while drowning in my self-deprecation i became the one that was neglecting. i'm such a bad person, sister, daughter, friend, etc. while wanting people to be able to depend on me, i feel like i've just pushed them further away from me. i feel ashamed and sad that i couldn't be someone that you could share your pain with freely despite being someone that is close to you. am i hard to approach or am i just too distant.

i've been having trouble sleeping lately. 3 am, 4 am, 5 am, 6 am, 9 am. today was the 9 am. i probably shouldn't have slept at all. i have trouble staying awake as well. i feel my body slowly falling apart. i feel my mind slowly falling apart. i feel my world crumbling down to nothingness. "we're all struggling to survive, but why is that i cannot find the path to survival?"

when will i stop complaining and actually start doing what exactly am i waiting for let go of the things you have to make excuses for, it's not worth it if you have to convince yourself to want it.

I was watching The Return of Superman. "When was the last time you told your kids you loved them?" "Every time I see them." I don't know why but I started tearing up. Maybe because I've never heard it from them.  I don't really remember my childhood, but every time I think about it I always end up with tears in my eyes. Nothing in particular pops up in my mind, but I always feel this lingering sadness. Maybe my forgetfulness is a defense mechanism. I want to remember, but is it even worth remembering?  There are stories that I've heard that aren't exactly happy ones. I was never really the affectionate type. If you lived with me you would know.  I didn't know how to give back something I've never received.  I feel like I'm missing something. I feel like there's an eraser following me. I've neither progressed nor regressed. Just sitting on top of this empty timeline. Blank. 

Where do I Begin with this beautiful Lie? One without Stigma and pure like a First Love. Take a look at my Reflection, MAMA. Am I Awake? Or am I Lost in this Interlude between life and death.

Sometimes I wonder why I hide myself so much. Feelings. Thoughts. Emotions. Wants. Needs. Face. Also me: I wish people would understand and get me.

I don't want to make multiple posts so I'll just write everything here as it goes. Day 1: Sunday We arrived back home at around 2AM and I went to sleep right after. Around 11AM my sister woke me up because grandpa called to tell us to go to the buffet. Tbh, it was way too early to eat buffet, but we went anyways. I didn't really eat much. After that we went back home. My cousins came over for a bit until we had to head out again. She brought me the wonderlust album and the mblaq puzzle. We played pool for a bit whilst eating red bean ice cream. Around 2:30PM we went to help clean up at the clinic. We had to clean the fish tank (which was so dirty omg) and that took hours. Had to carry buckets of water back and forth. Had to water the plants hanging from the ceiling. Had to clean out the trash cans. Had to vacuum. After everything was done we went home. Day 2: Monday Woke up at 8AM to take my grandparents to their doctor's appointment. Got there 10...