here goes nothing

Can I run and hide? I'm stuck inside my memories. Step away from time. Take me to a place where I will never grow old. I'm tired everyday. I am thirsty for the rain, that waters all of my melodies. The needle in the skies, never fails to light my night. And it sews my heart on my tattered sleeve. Oh please, my heart is all for you. Just please,  take care of me I'm all for you. Well, Take take take me all for you. Take take take me home to you.

on the topic of being afraid: there are things that i can't say or write, afraid that they might come true if i do. i'm even afraid to think or say them in my head.

looking back, i think i have a lot of regrets. regrets about being too afraid to do things. things that can only be done at that moment. those chances will never come back, and all i can do is think about what could've happened people always say you'll regret the things you didn't do more than the things you did do, and i already knew that. i think i just realized it again today. having the courage to do things is hard. it may seem like nothing big to others, but they have no idea what it feels like. if you've never been constantly looked down on your whole life, if you've never been constantly disapproved or discouraged to do things, if you've always had support somewhere somehow, you'll never know how much it means to gather up the courage to do even a "small" thing.  confidence can not be built up in one day. not when you've never had it in the first place. not when you're conditioned to be the opposite of confident. ...

I hate that I worked so hard for nothing. I hate that I didn't work hard enough to avoid working this hard. I hate everything. Do I really want to continue to live this way.  I won't live long if I continue to live this way.  Or maybe I've already stopped living.  Dead. Dead inside.  Save me. 

what the fuck is this shit. what's the point of trying anymore. yrc ot tnaw i

tell me it gets easier, tell me it gets easier. tell me it gets easier, that i'll figure it out. “This song is for the times you find yourself staring at the ceiling  wondering how you’ll take your next step. For the ones who constantly feel like they’re fighting an uphill battle with the handbrake on.  For the ones who take walks in the night watching the streetlights flicker, going over the same scene in their heads. Sometimes the grip of life never seems to loosen but I can tell you in some way or another it does get easier,  seasons can change and the weight of our problems feel lighter with a new perspective.  This song is for you,  whoever and wherever you are,  and we hope it means just as much to you  as it does to us” 

 it's kinda sad how those are so accurate

well many things happened today, which is now yesterday as I'm writing this. d-day (cries better not be on time in july while I'm trying to enjoy the concert), bts winning the bbmas~, the lab report, stress everywhere, hw, reading, happy news, and now notes. not caught up quite yet, but pretty satisfied with the progress, that is if I don't start slacking again. ahhhh that feeling when you finally do something for yourself and it goes well, well for now gives me something to actually look forward too though if you want to restart, don't choose something for the same reason you chose the previous and now want to get away from. because then, what's the point of trying to restart? nothing will change if the reason behind the choice doesn't change. I can't wait to go home and eat food with real flavors, but why does it have to be so hot D: Suddenly thinks back to the presentation for lab. I haven't been that nervous since the job interview. My ...

today has been a long day. [no no] no, not today. [what did you do] yesterday. haven't eaten, haven't showered, haven't slept. cries. good bye.