here goes nothing

Today* I went to the gallery to see the installation. It was a dark little room with white walls. The title and the artist's names were painted on one of the walls. Right when you walk in you can hear the film playing in the back of the room, on a continuous loop. There were paintings on the wall, but very few. We walked to the back of the room towards the two projectors. It was a film installation shown on two screens side by side with a delay in the second one. There was just one little bench in the middle of the tiny space. It created a sense of closeness, familiarity, relatedness. I watched and I felt like I could watch this multiple times if I could. It wasn't some extraordinary piece of work, yet very un-ordinary at the same time. Knowing the background of H.M., I can't help but wonder how that must feels like. How does it feel like to not be able to store any new memories? Well of course I wouldn't even know because I won't remember. Ante...

The time when you start thinking you know a person,  is when you find out you don't really know much about the person. Humans are paradoxical. We hide and conceal what we feel, what we think, what we want, and what we need by saying what we feel, what we think, what we want, and what we need.

Same day, Same moon 24/7 every moment repeats My life is in between ... It's funny you think anything is possible when you're a kid When you feel how hard it is to get through a day I scream out of frustration but the empty air echoes I hope tomorrow will be different from today I’m just wishing Wherever you are right now, you’re just taking a break Don’t give up, you know Don’t get far away, tomorrow Don’t get too far away, tomorrow Tomorrow becomes today, today becomes yesterday, tomorrow becomes yesterday and is behind me Life isn’t about living along but living through As you live through, you’ll disappear some day I wanted to become happy and strong but why am I getting weaker? Where am I going? I’m going here and there but I always come back here Yeah, I’ll probably flow somewhere, is there an end to this maze? ... Every single day is a repetition of ctrl+c, ctrl+v I have a long way to go but why am I running in place? Because the dawn right be...

"Sometimes I think I'm the middle ground. Not too much of one side or the other. In other words, I'm just ordinary.  Just... Someone that doesn't dare to take any risks, yet dream of adventures. Someone that is not alone, yet enjoy solitude.  Someone that is not above and beyond, yet not unaccomplished.  I feel like I have trapped myself inside two facing walls.  Not going left nor right. Can only look up or down. Then two walls multiply, and I'm now trapped in my own little box. No room to move, no light to guide me.  I am lost.  Lost in my own emptiness."

Who are you? Who am I?  What are you? What am I? Who are we to judge others and put demeaning labels on them?  I can't say I was totally open-minded, but after today I learnt so much that I feel like I should throw away my remaining prejudices.  In the end, a  person is a person.  Hearing some of the experiences, I felt so disgusted of our society.  Are you any less of a person if you don't conform to social norms? Do they deserve to be treated like trash?  I'm actually really disappointed by the disparities in health care.  "After she found out, she literally tried to kill me."  May I ask what kind of physician attacks and tries to kill their patients?  I just felt my heart drop and also a burst of anger dwelling inside.  I can't believe the things that happened to her, yet I knew these things did happen. I agree that these issues should be talked about more. There is obvious progress since years ago, but it is only the start of th...

What have I been doing?  Not much.  Midterms coming up bleh.  Behind on readings again omg >.< I never change do I? Why do I always do bad on my first tests? Art is interesting, yet I still get unfocused/sleepy sometimes. Maybe cuz it's so late haha. Night classes are as bad as I thought. I like walking back. It's nice, cool, and pretty at night. Esp when the lights are lit.  Well I guess it could be watching the films in the dark warm room too lol.  Chem is okay. Lattice energy is a pain tho.  Bio is pretty interesting actually. Maybe cuz it's about evolution and ecosystems so it's not that hard to understand. Except the graphs tho. Which kind do I use? Idk man.  What else am I taking... Oh yes Psych. It's interesting too but I did so bad on the chapter test. My bad cuz I didn't study. Or finish reading. Why am I so lazy?  Why don't I care enough? I think it takes one bad grade to make me get myself together.  I don't like not having a...

It's just me, myself and I Solo ride until I die  Cause I, got me for life  I don't need a hand to hold  Even when the night is cold I got that fire in my soul ... I just need to be alone I just need to be at home  ... If time is money I need a loan  ... I don't need anything to keep me satisfied  Cause the music fills me good and it gets me every time ... Yeah, lonely nights I laid awake  Pray to lord, my soul to take  My heart's become too cold to break [G-Eazy x Bebe Rexha]

Today in Public Health the topic was the relationship between drug abuse and incarcerations. It was presented by Dr. Malek, who is an alunmus of UCI. He worked in the LA county jail system and now has his own clinic. I didn't know much about our prison system besides the fact that incarcerations were closely related with mental illness, drug abuse, and poverty. Even knowing that, the statistics were shocking, appalling even. Do you know how many inmates were substance abusers and have severe mental illness? Two-thirds. Considering how many prisoners we have in our system, that's a lot. We often don't think about how they're humans too. Not some kind of monster or dirt, despite some of the despicable things they might've done. In reality, they might not have done much, but still got incarcerated because they were homeless or mentally ill. Well basically because they were those things, drugs also came in the picture. I have no sympathy on criminals, bu...

Genre : Chill Blue Heron - William French We Go Back - CHINAH  Hope in a Box - Tomas Barfod  Technicolour Beat - Oh Wonder  Twice - Little Dragon  Skin - Kyla La Grange  Hold Me - CLN  The Journey - Tom Misch Embrz - Raindrops

I want to play until my fingers blister and my arms become sore. I want to dance until my whole body aches with every move I make. I want to sing until my voice strains and cracks with every word that escapes my mouth. I want to run until my legs feel light and I can barely catch my breath. I want to cry until my eyes are red and it hurts to merely blink. I want to vent out my emotions and feelings by doing something I love. I want to feel the pain and be reminded that I'm alive. To be reminded about why I am alive and why I have to stay alive. I want to stare into the open skies until my mind and soul are drifted out of this reality. 

I keep having weird dreams these days 

a prisoner  detained in a cocoon fighting the bound silk i will be free soon a beast  wrapped in a cocoon inching towards the bright light i will be beautiful soon a mystery  enclosed in a cocoon struggling to find itself i will be me soon  -

We wanna be right, but always wrong.  We tryna be bright, but always dark  -Namjoon 

When I step past my door frame, I get dizzy Because it's the border to my comfort zone The useless emotions that dirty my heart are covered with dust If I get out of here, there's death Because, more than the familiar sadness I disliked the unfamiliar happiness, I threw away my footsteps I worry that I'll become a pair of worn out shoes Because the world, the time, the people put me on crooked I forget  Like the heaps of newspaper and bills in front of my door The thoughts and demands of the world Don't leave them in front of me This is my home, leave me alone Just don't come in here Now I cry without tears Just like breathing, I cry again The sadness that became a home Though I try to take a step out, I cry at the doorstep Without knowing, I cry Do I deserve to be happy? Why have I fallen deeply into shallow scars? Living is like going through a hail of arrows But why do I have such a big target tacked on to my hea...

Our bio teacher is a brain tumor survivor. It was not a cancerous tumor, so thankfully she survived. I was watching Oh My Venus the other day. Besides all the fangirling and everything, I kept thinking about the characters. The story was simple, but the strong characterizations made it so much better. Maybe it's the rain. Maybe it's the dark, gloomy room. Maybe it's Epik High's songs. This mood brings me back to wondering: How many people out there are struggling all by themselves? How many things have gone unnoticed, masked by the act of "I'm okay"? Like how Young Ho held in so much pain by himself. People knew about it, but they were just bystanders. Then he acts like he's fine in front of everyone. What would I do in that situation? Honestly, I'd be a bystander too. The me right now won't be brave enough to offer a helping hand. I wouldn't even know how to help. It's just a fictional character, but there must also be...

I "caught up" with Yun's posts, and by that I mean reading the recent 7 posts lol.  There's still a lot I need to read.  It's 2:27 AM and I need to wake up early tomorrow, well today, but I'm not sleepy anymore.  Reading her posts always makes me feel happy. Like I can imagine her telling me the stories and her fangirling moments lol. Too cute too cute haha.  Well your life seems like a handful lol. So much happening and so busy. That's good tho. You should have fun and meet lots of people in college. The art assignments must take forever It seems like D: Don't push yourself too hard tho. Eat regularly!  I don't even eat regularly so I guess I need to do that too lol. I'm not even busy, just lazy xp Too lazy for my own good.  And yes. Mina is such a great writer~ I cried one time lol.  We only know the sides people show us. It's impossible to totally know someone, so it's ok. But I feel the same. We actually hardly ever talk about ourse...

It's 2016! Hello... (it's me) lol. New year resolutions.... 1. Stop procrastinating. 2. Start exercising. 3. Get things done??? Z-UK & Hightop's My Answer Is reminds me of GD, Taeyang, & Kwanghee's Oh My Gosh lol "My answer is...fuxx yourself." okaaay guys okay lol Anyways the year already ended, but end start it with this song~ Until This Year - Gavy NJ x Misty

"How much do you actually like her?" "Why do you keep asking me how much I like my friends? What's wrong with you?" That got me thinking.  What have our relationship become that she has to answer questions like that?  How would I have responded if it was asked to me? To be honest I wouldn't hesitate to say, "of course I like her" but how much you say? I really don't know anymore.  It's not that I am liking her less and less, it's just that so much has changed that the real question is how much does she even like me?  I hate questioning things.  Because when you start questioning, that's when you start losing faith and trust. I don't want that. But sometimes we need to reaffirm that trust by questioning it. Nothing stays the same forever. We constantly keep checking and making sure it's the same, but that's not how life works. Everything is bound to change given time.  But why does it have to?