End of The Road?

Sometimes I wonder why I do this to myself. The outcome of it is obvious, but why can't I stop? Why is it so hard to change? 

Every time this happens I hate myself even more. I've been through this many times, yet I still do it. 

I just don't have the will to change. 

I feel like I really don't care anymore and that scares me. 

Then I remember that I can't give up. I can't be a disappointment. 

I want to get away. I want to go somewhere where no ones knows me and no one can contact me. 

To be honest, I'm not stressed. In fact I  feel like I have no responsibilities at all. But of course that is not the reality. I'm just ignoring the facts. 

If I feel like this, then what is the point of going on? What is the point of me waking up everyday to do all this? 

I just want to end everything.