late night thoughts
i'm sure we all feel it, but we don't admit it.
because if we do,
we have to face the reality that things have changed.
I've been really unproductive, well actually when was I ever productive?
I'm being unproductive typing this right now when I have a final to study for.
Our Sheepie is inspiring me to change my unproductive ways.
"Baby steps."
Yes, little by little.
Starting...hopefully tomorrow haha.
Which reminds me,
WHEN WILL I EVER FINISH THE MX VLOG LOL
Confidence.
I lack a lot of that too.
No, I just have none.
What is even confidence?
Sometimes (or all of the time) we judge ourselves too harshly.
I'm never not judging myself.
Lately, I've been thinking a lot.
Taking Sculpture has probably been the best choice I've made in awhile.
The environment is just so different from being in a large auditorium with 300 people just trying to pass a class.
Here people actually care about what we are doing, and we want to pass the class too ofc.
But it's more about exploring and learning new things.
Creating.
Expressing ourselves.
Yes, there is judgement.
But there is also acceptance.
I'm never proud or satisfied with my work,
but I agree that what doesn't look good to you may look good to others.
I guess I'm not used to making myself visible, nor do I feel comfortable with that.
These critiques and the process of working and having others comment on my work has given me some confidence?
Even if I wasn't proud of it in the beginning, I began to feel proud of myself for actually doing something I wanted to do and be praised for it.
It might even have been the first time.
I'm used to hearing:
"Do better." "That's all you can do?" "You're a little behind this time." "Why can't you be like..."
That may also be why I lack confidence.
I'm constantly told that I'm not good enough.
Facing disappointment and even punishment from others with a slight drop in performance.
How can anyone be confident like this?
It has become a habit to tell myself, "This isn't good enough. I'm not good enough for this."
This is why it's been stressful for me to choose something to make.
If you think of it in a good way: I can come up with a lot of ideas.
In a bad way: I'm too indecisive and constantly feel like what I'm doing is not good enough.
What I want to say is:
I've learned to be a little less hard on myself.
I've gotten my first taste of self-appreciation, and I'd like to develop that further.
I'm still not confident in myself, but at least I've started to fear less about not being good enough.
Well, that was long.
Since I don't tend to say these things, they build up.
I have a lot to say actually, I just don't like speaking.
because if we do,
we have to face the reality that things have changed.
I've been really unproductive, well actually when was I ever productive?
I'm being unproductive typing this right now when I have a final to study for.
Our Sheepie is inspiring me to change my unproductive ways.
"Baby steps."
Yes, little by little.
Starting...hopefully tomorrow haha.
Which reminds me,
WHEN WILL I EVER FINISH THE MX VLOG LOL
Confidence.
I lack a lot of that too.
No, I just have none.
What is even confidence?
Sometimes (or all of the time) we judge ourselves too harshly.
I'm never not judging myself.
Lately, I've been thinking a lot.
Taking Sculpture has probably been the best choice I've made in awhile.
The environment is just so different from being in a large auditorium with 300 people just trying to pass a class.
Here people actually care about what we are doing, and we want to pass the class too ofc.
But it's more about exploring and learning new things.
Creating.
Expressing ourselves.
Yes, there is judgement.
But there is also acceptance.
I'm never proud or satisfied with my work,
but I agree that what doesn't look good to you may look good to others.
I guess I'm not used to making myself visible, nor do I feel comfortable with that.
These critiques and the process of working and having others comment on my work has given me some confidence?
Even if I wasn't proud of it in the beginning, I began to feel proud of myself for actually doing something I wanted to do and be praised for it.
It might even have been the first time.
I'm used to hearing:
"Do better." "That's all you can do?" "You're a little behind this time." "Why can't you be like..."
That may also be why I lack confidence.
I'm constantly told that I'm not good enough.
Facing disappointment and even punishment from others with a slight drop in performance.
How can anyone be confident like this?
It has become a habit to tell myself, "This isn't good enough. I'm not good enough for this."
This is why it's been stressful for me to choose something to make.
If you think of it in a good way: I can come up with a lot of ideas.
In a bad way: I'm too indecisive and constantly feel like what I'm doing is not good enough.
What I want to say is:
I've learned to be a little less hard on myself.
I've gotten my first taste of self-appreciation, and I'd like to develop that further.
I'm still not confident in myself, but at least I've started to fear less about not being good enough.
Well, that was long.
Since I don't tend to say these things, they build up.
I have a lot to say actually, I just don't like speaking.
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