here goes nothing

i just wish i could fucking breathe ughhhh

although i know this isn't what i really want, i don't know if i don't want this enough to change it.

i'd rather be stressed over something i won't regret than to stress over something i don't desire.

i don't know why we have to go to this extent, why you feel that this is a good decision. have you ever thought about us? the inconvenience? the constant fear that we will have to live in? is money really that important? but of course the answer is yes. what can we do without money in this society? nothing. you're thinking of the future, i am aware. a future that has not even happened yet. maybe i won't go that far, maybe i can't even get that far.  i just don't know. i don't know, but i don't like this.  i don't like this, but i can't stop this. please just don't get in trouble. 

i've always thought i was the one being neglected, but while drowning in my self-deprecation i became the one that was neglecting. i'm such a bad person, sister, daughter, friend, etc. while wanting people to be able to depend on me, i feel like i've just pushed them further away from me. i feel ashamed and sad that i couldn't be someone that you could share your pain with freely despite being someone that is close to you. am i hard to approach or am i just too distant.

i've been having trouble sleeping lately. 3 am, 4 am, 5 am, 6 am, 9 am. today was the 9 am. i probably shouldn't have slept at all. i have trouble staying awake as well. i feel my body slowly falling apart. i feel my mind slowly falling apart. i feel my world crumbling down to nothingness. "we're all struggling to survive, but why is that i cannot find the path to survival?"

when will i stop complaining and actually start doing what exactly am i waiting for let go of the things you have to make excuses for, it's not worth it if you have to convince yourself to want it.